We were riding home from Grammy’s like most Saturday evenings and it was Ailbe’s turn to pick the song. Every Saturday we each take turns picking a song on the ride home and we laugh and sing along with each of the choices. Isla turned to hold Ailbe’s hand while they sang and tears immediately came to my eyes. Isla has always held Ailbe up and while she is the younger sister she’s always been the one Ailbe looks to and just loves to pieces. The kind of love that waits at the door for her to come home each day. Anyway, the sweet hand holding gesture isn’t what made me cry and it certainly wasn’t the cheesy Descendants love duo song rather it was a thought I had. I often have these thoughts but this one took me a little longer to recover from. As they sang along I hid my tears and my husband pretended to not see them because sometimes you just need a cry and you don’t need to talk about it. As I wiped away my tears the thought stayed present.
Ailbe is 15 almost 16 and it hit me this is the exact age I met her daddy, my husband Johnathan. I immediately felt the sadness that not only will Ailbe never be married, she will never date. She will never be a mother. While other moms are thinking about their kids getting their license or celebrating their sweet sixteen, or planning for the next homecoming dance I’m thinking about how those will never happen for my girl.
After the tears I have to cling to the fact that she is here and she IS amazing. While her life looks different, she truly is a gem of a kid. She can’t add 5+7 but she can get first place in a Mario Kart race with 24 people over and over again. She can’t write about her day in her diary but she can make you laugh until you cry with something funny she said. She can’t communicate with a stranger but when comfortable with you, you might ask her to stop speaking. While others forget names Ailbe can tell you every single Disney character (it’s wild). She will choose not to answer someone but often knows the answer to questions people are shocked she knows anything about. I overheard a show on the television and the question was which planet is famous for having a ring around it and without pausing she answered Saturn. She is full of little bits of knowledge and she’s a completely different person around the people she knows well.
She is silly, kind, curious and very empathetic. She has abilities and skills that others haven’t tapped into. While my heart completely aches from all the will nevers I have to remember that we are so very blessed she’s here and will be celebrating her 16th birthday soon,
My darling Bee here’s to the next adventures. We love you so much.
mypurplepack 