If you know me you know I’m a worrier. My family says it like this “you worry about worrying.” While I’m not sure what that means fully, I know it couldn’t be truer.
I let my brain worry about all the little things that don’t really mean much and wouldn’t really end up causing too big of an issue because they can’t hurt me. Rather, they keep me from hurting.
How do they do that? They stop me from thinking about my biggest worry. My worry about the other shoe dropping. See if I always live preparing for that shoe to drop it won’t hurt so bad when it does. It’s a defense mechanism and a tactic that keeps me going every single day with my full 100% effort in everything I do.
Need me to volunteer for something? Sure. Need me to head up a committee? Sure. Need me to bring food? Sure. Need me to be team mom? Sure. Need me to plan a trip for the family? Sure. Need me to call an insurance company and negotiate for hours? Sure. Need me to research something for you? Sure. I’m pretty much the fix it person if someone can’t figure something out… I will. My drive and determination is there because these are things I CAN fix.
I cannot fix her
Tears immediately flow from my eyes as I write those four words. Several years of counseling, repeating myself over and over again, talking my families ears off, seeking friends for support, losing friends, getting reassurance from Johnathan, countless checking and rechecking, making myself ill with more worry and sitting in it have led me to here.
I know my routine, I know why I’m fixing, sorting and decluttering. I know I’m trying to declutter the inevitable truth of my sadness about my precious girl. I can’t change any of it.
I have to sit in the pain
That sounds weird right? Sit in the pain. I’ve actually learned that if I do that and endure that pain internally for however long it takes without checking, rechecking, google searching, dreaming of a cure, praying for healing, denying the fear… it goes on and on. If I just SIT in the grueling pain it passes quicker.
Yesterday was purple day. A day to honor children who fight the fight of epilepsy everyday. If I’m being honest Ailbe fights more than Epilepsy every single day. She probably has OCD and could be diagnosed as a child with Autism but her root started with Epilepsy.
We wore our purple as we traveled. I wear my Team Ailbe bracelet everyday because this isn’t something we live with just one day a year.
No amount of fixing will change anything for her. No one thing will make me feel better. The goal is to live and live the best we can in health, happiness and peace.
I love you Ailbe, every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month, every year.
Always and forever.💜
mypurplepack 