forever changed

I’m forever changed, and I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing.

Just the other day, I sat and listened to someone tell me that when they worked in a special education class that it “wasn’t that bad.” That the kids were only pulled out for “a Language Arts,” and mainstreamed for the other classes. She went on to tell me that when she worked in the more “severe” classrooms where the children are “all like”, [mimics with her body what she must perceive special needs to look and sound like] she “didn’t understand it”. I think I was just stunned by what was being said to me. Despite what I think my face must’ve looked like, she continued, and stated that she didn’t understand the reasoning behind those children who were severally mentally disabled having teachers read books and sing songs to them. She didn’t see the point. As my skin began to crawl and my blood boil, I wanted to say something terrible, like, “So what should we do with those children?” But, I didn’t bait her anymore. I decided to educate her. I decided to tell her that some of the most physically disabled are cognitively functioning at the same level as neuro-typical peers and genuinely enjoy hearing songs, stories and learning from their teachers, and although they can’t always show it, that learning is occurring. I also wanted to say, “And what if those children were believed to be incapable of understanding? How do we know for sure? What is the harm in enriching those children’s live with music and literature?”  I wanted to then divulge into my own story, to tell her how I was told my own daughter was not capable of understanding, speaking or learning like “a normal child”. Needless to say, I didn’t. I wanted to, but I didn’t.

These types of interactions make me sad at first. Naturally, how could I not be? Some people STILL feel this way about children with special needs. Some people STILL don’t understand how far we’ve come in our beliefs of what children can do and what they are capable of. I often think to myself, would these people make such comments if they lived with a childhood disability themselves? If they had a disabled child? If they lived a normal life and then their mental capabilities changed? I believe they wouldn’t.

My feelings towards the negative views of special needs and the education of children living with these needs have changed drastically. Instead of becoming enraged with these people, I choose to educate them. I choose to share stories of children I know and my own. I choose to ground those people with comments like, “that must be so trying on their parents and families.” Not a burden in any way of course, but all of the extra challenges that occur daily for a special needs family can take a toll on all.

You see, once you’ve sat in a room with a neurosurgeon, who has told you your child isn’t aware she’s living (remember the whole “what is life, if we don’t know we are living it?” doctor?) and incapable of development in her current state… That kind of horrific meeting can change a person, and change them forever. Was I always sensitive towards children and people with special needs? Actually, I believe I was. But, my own experience and those of the families and friends I’ve grown to know in the special needs community have forever changed me. I see EVERYTHING differently. That child at the store everyone is staring at. I smile at the mother and offer a nod of understanding. That child at the restaurant who randomly shouts or screams but looks “too old to be doing that.” I smile at the mother and give her a nod of understanding. That child who smacks my child at the park because she got too close to him or her? I smile at the mother, the one who is currently looking mortified and contemplating packing up and leaving the park altogether and give her a nod of understanding. More often that not, something is going on. Yes, you sometimes have naughty little kiddos who act up, but generally, there are often unseen things going on that we can’t know. In those instances, I ask that you extend kindness to those people and try to not judge. Try to choose kindness. Choose hope. Don’t merely try to appease these people but welcome them. Accept them as part of your community.

If we can get to a place where we do this, where we don’t label children, where our kids go to school together… In a classroom in which you have ALL children with differing intellectual and physical needs… Then, I think we will have progressed as a society. STOP telling parents to institutionalize their children. STOP flagging kids with special needs and segregating them to a remote corner of the campus. Support the schools and teachers with the resources and training they need.

STOP stigmatizing special needs so that parents are fearful to have their child “labeled” and refuse to do the necessary tests to get the extra help their child needs. Just STOP. Take a step back and see this. Those are children. They are all children who were birthed by mothers who love them and want nothing more than their lives to be as easy as possible.

Let us hope. Let us change.


4 thoughts on “forever changed”

  1. You are wonderful. Loved this post. Now subscribing to your blog! BTW your daughter is absolutely gorgeous! I am honestly so thankful for my son (autism) I am LUCKY that I have the ability to see thru so many things/actions/words/behaviors that I couldn’t/wouldn’t have before. WE are the lucky ones. Great writing! xoxox Tara from Vancouver, BC


  2. I feel touched by your story and completely agree. My beautiful granddaughter has Haemaphlegia and juvenile arthritis. She makes excuses for her lazy hand (her words) and she will probably never win a race but seeing her try is enough. Hopefully as she gets older she too will keep the bonds of friendship firmly intact. Lylah is 6


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