On the inside

It’s dark in here with little light or direction on how to escape. Crippled by this pain with no where to turn I turn to them.

This past year has been difficult. It’s been a year to process sadness that I haven’t been able to before and to start to find myself again. I didn’t know it, but I needed to grieve. At first it sounded silly to me that I was being told I am grieving but then I understood. Truly, I had a loss to grieve. The childhood Ailbe deserved and the motherhood I dreamt of having. Don’t get me wrong, Ailbe is my whole world as well as Isla, but nothing about what we’ve all endured has been “typical”.

Six years later, after and amidst our battle with Infantile Spasms I lost myself. I became; a woman who feared instead of triumphed, who cried instead of laughed, who ran away instead of confronted, who retreated instead of standing her ground, who followed instead of lead…

I became, a woman I don’t recognize.

Of course I’m in here, I’m just lost. This past year I’ve been on a mission to find that strong, determined, prideful, charismatic and jubilant woman. It’s a slow process that’s taken quite some time but I believe I’m on the right path.

My experiences have made me stronger, patient and even more loyal. They’ve made me sensitive in ways I never knew I could be. I’m realizing that I can’t beat myself up for my faults, flaws or mistakes. That I’m not to blame for every misstep but instead meant to become stronger and learn to love myself.

When you lose yourself, you lose your purpose. You lose your ability to know the core of yourself and what YOU really mean/are. You doubt your every choice and question your every action. When you reach the point where you doubt yourself you’ve entered the darkness.

It’s a lonely place.

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